Who will love my ironies?

First, I feel the need to point out that I have now been putting up these idiotic polls for over a year. A YEAR. How does that even happen??? I love you guys. Let's do this.

You jump into the thick undergrowth by the side of the path. Peering out from behind the leaves you see the massive legs of some gigantic man stomp past you along the path. Soon he is gone and you creep back out on to the path again and head north.

The path twists and turns and then makes a sudden sharp turn to the west. Following the new course you are aware of squawking in the trees all around you. You hear the flapping of wings and loop up to see three large birds swooping down on you. Their beaks and talons look razor-sharp. You only have a second in which to draw your sword to defend yourself against the DEATH HAWKS.

First DEATH HAWK (Skill 4, Stamina 4)
Second DEATH HAWK (Skill 4, Stamina 3)
Third DEATH HAWK (Skill 5, Stamina 4)

Look at these pieces of shit. Like killing pigeons. Dead, dead, dead.

One of the Death Hawks has a silver band around one of its legs. It has an inscription on it which reads 'Death awaits you'. You decide to leave the silver band and head quickly west.

You soon arrive at another junction in the path. Looking at Bigleg's map you decide to head north again in the direction of Stonebridge, ignoring the narrow path which continues west.

The path open out into a small clearing. To your right you see a pile of branches, grass and pieces of rag, the lair of some large creature.

You remember our old pal the Wyvern, don't you? Moving on!

You set off north again along the path and soon notice the trees beginning to thin out on either side of the path. Eventually the path leads out of the trees into a ploughed field. You are out of Darkwood Forest!

( Let's roll. )

I swear I'm getting to tags in a bit, this was just another one of those stupid weeks that make me hate everything. Also I woke up with a headache after a really awesome sleep? Not cool. Also debating whether to go to Sunday brunch with my family or just sit in the dark and watch movies instead, I'm sure you see my dilemma.

North!

Walking north across the green valley you see the dark green wall of Darkwood Forest looming up before you. The path leads straight into the thick undergrowth and soon you are walking between tall dark trees and thorny bushes. It is dark and quiet and the path abruptly ends at a junction.

So things are completely fucking falling apart at work this week. Just... a total mess. I could elaborate, but... why? Just getting through it's enough.

Yet another tie! You guys are really split now that we're heading into the home stretch. Coin flip says it's boulder time!

As you approach the boulder you are even more surprised to see it suddenly rise up on what appear to be two stumpy stone legs. Then two stone arms with huge club-shaped fists spring out of its sides. You stare in disbelief as the boulder lumbers towards you and raises one of its great stone fists. You snap out of your bewilderment and draw your sword to fight the BOULDER BEAST.

BOULDER BEAST (Skill 8, Stamina 11)

Big boy! Fortunately, this fight is more long than hard, that's what she said.

You look at the broken rock pile around your feet and wonder how such a beast ever came into being - perhaps from the misused power of an evil elementalist? You will never know. If you wish to take a piece of stone that was part of the Boulder Beast for later examination, note it on your Equipment List. You now return to the path and head north down into the valley.

Arriving on the valley floor you find that the path splits.

Day off! I am being sooooo laaaaaazy. It's awesome. There will be movies and video games and hopefully all the tags I owe. Rock on!

I love Patton Oswalt.

It was a close vote, but the allure of the wooden box has beaten out the mystery of rooting through the fireplace.

The iron lock on the chest is old and rusted and will not open.

As mentioned last night, I'm leaving on a jet plane shortly, be back in 24 hours or so. Actually, probably not a jet plane, probably one of those shitty little Air Canada Jazz prop planes, but whatever. GOOD TIMES, see you jaboneys tomorrow evening.

The bridge is in a terrible state of repair, but you manage to cross it safely. You are at the foot of some hills and it is getting darker as night closes in. You pitch camp behind some rocks to the left of the path and settle down to sleep with your sword by your side.

You have been asleep for about an hour when a terrifying howl wakes you up with a start. You put new wood on the glowing embers of the fire and urge it back to life. You notice that there is a full moon in the sky. With your back to the rocks and the fire in front of you, you stand and wait with sword drawn. Soon you are aware of being watched and then you see three pairs of eyes ahead of you glowing red by the light of the fire. Another howl pierces the night air, followed by deep growls. Slowly the three pairs of eyes advance towards you. From out of the shadows step three WOLVES ready to leap on you. They attack you one at a time.

First WOLF (Skill 7, Stamina 7)
Second WOLF (Skill 8, Stamina 7)
Third WOLF (Skill 7, Stamina 9)

This one was actually pretty tough, you need a snack after that fight. At least they're not werewolves, which we know they can't be, since it clearly can't really be a full moon since it was one last night.

Eventually you manage to get back to sleep but are awake early. In the morning light you notice a gold-studded leather collar round the neck of the largest Wolf. It must be worth 15 Gold Pieces. Putting the collar in your backpack you wonder who the Wolf's owner might be. You collect your belongings and head north along the path.

The ground is quite steep now as the path wends its way up into the hills. By the time you reach the top of the hill the sun is quite hot. All around in the distance you see the tight green circle of Darkwood Forest. Mist still hangs in the tall grasses behind you but ahead you see a valley floor bathed in sunlight. All is quiet. As you start down the far side of the hill, you notice a small wooden hut to the right of the path with its door slightly open.

Today was gonna be my day for locking myself in my room and marathoning MCU Phase One, but I have a bunch of other stuff to do around the house, so I may put it off a little longer. I just want to be with my love, but the universe conspires to keep us apart. Shakespearean.

After some furious voting, yesterday's vote ended up split! The intrepid coin toss is unforgiving towards jerky Pygmies.

You quickly catch up with the two brown-skinned Pygmies. They are wearing grass skirts and as they stop and turn to face you, you notice that each has a small bone through his nose. They draw their daggers and both attack you at once.

PYGMY A (Skill 5, Stamina 5)
PYGMY B (Skill 5, Stamina 6)

Complicated because they're attacking at once, but not too tough a fight, either way.

Each Pygmy has a small, leather pouch hung around his neck. You find 3 Gold Pieces in each. You take the gold and return to the path to continue your northwards journey.

Anticlimactic! Onward!

As the path proceeds northwards, the grass becomes shorter and the ground starts to rise gently. Ahead you can hear the sound of flowing water. However, much more ominous, you also hear another sound, above you in the sky - a loud buzzing noise. Suddenly a swarm of large bees, each bee some ten centimetres long, is hovering directly above you.

Have been up since three in the morning because I fell asleep at ten and just dklsfjlaksdfja what is wrong with me. You would think having the same schedule every day would regulate my sleep habits, but it doesn't, I need days off to sleep whenever and rebalance myself because a full night's sleep is way too much for me most nights so now I'm wide awake even though I don't have to leave for work for another six hours and then I'll be so burned out and drained after staying up to watch Game of Thrones and everything will just go on being completely screwed up until I get a goddamn day off. At which point I will sleep however much I damn well want and then lock myself in my room for twelve straight hours to give my MCU Phase One set the attention it so richly deserves.

Two more days. I can make it. I can make it.

Falling to the ground is becoming a bit of a bad habit! It is also beginning to hurt. Lose 3 STAMINA points for your injuries. You get up and continue northwards along the path.

Soon the path leads out of the trees on to a large plain with tall grasses. Beyond it you see rising ground and, further off, some low hills. The path splits and goes in three directions.

In yet another all-fired rush today because sleep is for the weak. There was so much shit I meant to do upon waking that I just... didn't and. Ugh. Whatevs, JURASSIC PARK 3D TONIGHT~

You gently prise the lid off the box, but as you do so, a yellow gas escapes and envelops your face.

This sounds like a job for... ULTRA GLAMOROUS NOSE FILTERS!!!

The gas is toxic and your eyes start to water. You hold your breath long enough to find the Nose Filters and slip them into place inside your nostrils. You inhale tentatively, but all is well. After a while, the gas cloud around your face fades away. You put the silver box into your backpack and leave the cave to continue your quest northwards.

Walking along the path, you do not notice a rope noose hidden beneath some fallen leaves ahead of you. Your foot catches in the noose and suddenly you are hauled into the air by the rope which is tied to a sprung tree. In a second you are hanging upside down, suspended by your trapped foot.

Luck roll! Which, by some ridiculous fluke because your Luck score actually kicks ass, you fucking fail.

Your sword slips from its scabbard and drops to the ground, leaving you dangling helplessly.

You curse as you wonder who set this infernal trap. After ten minutes you hear footsteps and begin to panic, making frantic swaying movements in the air trying to free your foot from the noose. Then a small boy dressed in green leather shorts and green shirt appears. He is chewing on what looks like a chicken bone. He walks underneath you, looks up and smiles, saying, 'Ha, ha, somebody's caught in the Ogre's tree trap.' You ask him politely to pass you your sword.

'That will cost you 5 Gold Pieces - or perhaps you have a nice magical item for me?' he says, eyes widening.

You are in no position to argue and must give the boy the gold or one of your magical items (if you have any).

Little jackass. At least you've got the cash.

The small boy then passes you your sword and runs away down the path. You cut the rope holding your foot and fall heavily to the ground. You get to your feet and brush the dirt from your clothes.

You notice a knotted vine hanging down to the ground from a tree on your left. You look up and see a roughly made tree house amid the branches.

Running a teeny bit behind, but no more so than usual. Here we go, seven days of work in a row, let's see if I can do this without being driven actually crazy from boredom. At least I have a couple of posts to write today, which should occupy me for a little while.

Friggin' April already, man, WHAT EVEN.

You unlock the door and step back, drawing your sword in case the Goblin tries to attack you. He picks up a wooden stool and, waving it in the air, kicks the door open and charges at you screaming. You must fight.

GOBLIN (Skill 5, Stamina 4)

Super easy fight, no problems here.

You bend down over the lifeless body of the mad Goblin and examine the rod around its neck. The rod is made of ebony and there is a screw thread at one end. You are excited to see the letter G neatly inscribed at the other end of what must be the handle of the dwarfish war-hammer. You put your find in your backpack. Add 1 LUCK point.

Holy shit we found it! If we can just get out of this dumb forest again without dying, we've TOTALLY GOT THIS ONE.

Plagued by many weird-ass dreams, but that's okay. Mostly caught up on RP stuff, just a few things left that at this point that I'm eager to tag into. Off to work in a few, but only for five hours because holiday. Let's do dis.

Throwing a rock? This sounds like a good time to bust out our GLOVE OF MISSILE DEXTERITY~

You reach into your backpack and pull out the purple silk glove. It fits snugly on your hand. Then you bend down and pick up a good-sized rock and take aim. You throw the rock with all your might at the Ogre and it flies like an arrow to hit him on the side of the head, knocking him unconscious. The creature in the cage jumps around even more frantically than before.