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Awards Season: Weeks 2-3
Okay, I didn't update last week, so short version while I'm at work because I watched like forty goddamn movies: It's almost Christmas! Holy shit! It was really, horribly cold for a little while, but it's back to being nice and mild now.
That's it! Movie spoiler zone time! Can't ramble too much this week THERE'S TOO MANY.
So I'd never seen any Bruno Dumont movies before, and I know he's really well-regarded but also really divisive, so I watched FOUR of them to truly make a decision one way or the other:
Flandres (2006): TRULY, IS THERE ANY MORE THOUGHTFUL AND NUANCED DEPICTION OF THE HORRORS OF WAR THAN 'GENERIC MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY'??? I DON'T THINK SO. Lots and lots of the deeply boring lives of deeply boring people amidst all the horrible gang rape and civilian murders, so that's fun. Oh wait, one of them's crazy now. Or possibly psychic? Blech.
Ma Loute (2016): My GOD, this did not need to be two hours long. He seems to be trying really hard for Monty Python vibes here, but it's all just BRUTALLY unfunny, idk. The fat cop makes balloon noises and constantly falls down lol!!! Good thing I love my goofy satire films to contain hard swerves into brutal trans panic violence against the only remotely likable character! A couple of the more abrupt, stupider pratfalls, did, admittedly, get some chuckles out of me, though.
Camille Claudel, 1915 (2013): Okay, I didn't hate this one! I liked Binoche's performance a lot, anyway, the rest of the movie... it's deeply depressing in a very effective way, but also just kinda ultimately hollow? Also, casting the extras with actual developmentally disabled asylum residents is.... ech. I guess it's PROBABLY better than hiring dozens of people to go full r*tard? But when their only purpose seems to be hanging around and letting their mere presence show why this is such a horrible place for her to be trapped.... yeah, no, it's gross. Still, it's not so long that the central performance can't carry it.
P'tit Quinquin (2014): Basically Ma Loute but with all the really stupid shit dialed back from a 10 to, like, a 5. Except it's twice as fucking long, so I guess it's not actually LESS stupid? The two lead kid actors were REAL charming, though, which made the whole thing a LOT more bearable, at least until the lone black kid got treated horribly one too many times and shot up the place while whispering 'Allahu Akbar' repeatedly. Also, it's a three-and-a-half-hour murder mystery that doesn't bother to actually solve the mystery beyond 'idk, maybe the disabled uncle did it?' Every time someone compares this shit to Twin Peaks, an angel drops dead.
Final verdict on Dumont: I GUESS I'M NOT A FAN. He seems to believe that simply committing racist/sexist/homophobic/ableist/transphobic/just generally horrible shit to film is the same as actually having something to say about those things? My dude, it ain't.
The Spy Who Loved Me (1977): This is a movie that rises in my estimation every Decembond, I have to admit. I always found it kinda boring when I was younger, but idk, it does so many things really nicely, especially coming on the heels of the abysmal Hamilton movies. We go straight from useless bimbo Bond girls with zero agency to Agent XXX's boyfriend getting totally fridged in the opening to motivate HER. Wild!!!
Raw Deal (1948): Three's Company, but make it noir? A tasty little slice of crime drama. Super cool to have one of the women giving the ongoing dramatic voiceover for once.
T-Men (1947): I would love to see this recut without the weird docu-drama framing. There's a ton of really cool noir shit in this movie and I really dug it, but rooting for the leads made me feel like a total narc.
Moonraker (1979): The point where the goofy!Bond aesthetic really fucking collapsed in on itself. A PIGEON DOES A DOUBLE TAKE FFS.
Cameraman: The Life and Work of Jack Cardiff (2010): Pretty standard talking head documentary, but with a LOT of really great stories, and it left me with the overwhelming urge to watch ALL of this guy's movies. Just a real nice retrospective of a career that spanned pretty much the entirety of film history, which is crazy.
The Girl on a Motorcycle (1968): Feels like it's being weird for weird's sake in a lot of places, but GOSH is it pretty look at. Both the movie itself and just... Alain Delon in general. >_>
For Your Eyes Only (1981): Probably the most unmemorable Bond movie? I don't dislike it by any stretch, the whole opening sequence (silly as it is, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BLOFELD ACCENT) is a much more satisfying way to obliquely tie up the OHMSS loose ends than Diamonds Are Forever's weird attempt. The bit where Bond and Melina get dragged through the coral is also one of my favourite villain deathtraps. But then you've also got the super gross plot with the teenage skater who desperately wants to fuck fifty-something Roger Moore while calling him Uncle James, uuuuuuuuugh.
Pandora and the Flying Dutchman (1951): "Ooh, I'm so inscrutable and sloe-eyed." "I'm a sad ghost with bad teeth. Also, dating me will kill us both." "Oh hey, is this the wife you brutally murdered who looked just like me? I'm so into ALL OF THIS for some reason." A very gorgeous movie in spite of the 'wtf' plot. I thought the Flying Dutchman was the name of the boat???
Fanny (1961): "Oh wow, a Leslie Caron movie where she actually has an age-appropriate love interest??" Aaaaaand then she ends up marrying 70-year-old Maurice Chevalier instead FOR FUCK'S SAKE, EVERY DAMN TIME. Nevertheless, this was actually a really nice, feel-good time, a tragic romance where there aren't actually any villains and everything somehow winds up working out nicely for everyone involved? Panisse's genuine excitement at finding out the teenage girl he's gonna marry is pregnant should NOT be as sweet as it comes across! I wish this was a musical.
Octopussy (1983): I can't stop laughing at this.
Val Lewton: The Man in the Shadows (2007): Pretty dry little Scorsese-narrated documentary, but I had just finished the Secret History of Hollywood thirty-hour podcast about him, so this was a nice way to put some faces to all of those names.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956): THEY'RE HERE ALREADY! YOU'RE NEXT!!!
The Ghost Ship (1943): So I couldn't watch a Val Lewton documentary and then NOT watch a Val Lewton movie, could I? This had wooden acting, super cheap production values, a totally misleading title, and yet... it completely worked for me? A deliciously tense little hour and change. CONSIDER MY SPINE SUITABLY CHILLED. Also the whole thing kinda felt like a metaphor for politics at the moment. Extra spoopy.
A View to a Kill (1985): Man, this one tops a lot of 'Worst Bond Films' lists, but idgaf, I genuinely love it, it's probably my favourite of the Moore films even if he's a bajillion years old at this point. MAYDAY ALONE, MAN.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1988): This was an EXTREMELY horny three hours that never quite managed to convince me that its characters were as interesting as the movie thought they were. Not sure how something so long and slow still managed to feel like it was missing huge chunks of important relationship-building stuff. Loved that baby pig, though.
The Living Daylights (1987): Heeeeeeere's Dalton! He's another one I appreciate a little bit more every time I watch his Bond outings. Broody and tough, yet charming when he wants to be. CELLO TOBOGGAN.
That's Entertainment! (1974): The documentary equivalent of eating an entire box of chocolates in one sitting, this is just two hours of clips of old MGM musicals with some of the stars of that era providing commentary. It's MAGICAL, just don't expect anything more than shiny happy unexamined surface nostalgia. When Mickey Rooney wonders aloud how he and Judy Garland had the energy to make all those films when they were kids... REALLY, MICKEY? YOU'RE NOT SURE HOW YOU GUYS DID IT? IT WASN'T MAYBE ALL THE DRUGS????
It's Always Fair Weather (1955): I want to be Cyd Charisse's character when I grow up. Gene Kelly playing his usual douchebag, but she's got enough agency when dealing with him that it's not actually all that gross, and I can just get swept along in the great dancing and surprisingly compelling story. Fun to see Michael Kidd in front of the camera for once.
Broadway Melody of 1940 (1940): FRED ASTAIRE JUST MAKES ME SO DAMN HAPPY, Y'ALL. It's a little frustrating how he and Powell don't actually get to dance together for the first two thirds of it, but that also makes it SO SATISFYING when they finally do. God, this movie is just an instant good mood.
Lili (1953): As I've mentioned before, Leslie Caron's whole 'naive innocent teenager that all these adult men want to fuck' schtick is super gross, but once Ferrer steps forward as the actual love interest (instead of the fuckboi magician), it gets pretty charming anyway. FUCKING PUPPETS, MAN.
License to Kill (1989): And Timothy Dalton exits Decembond as quickly as he arrived. BABY BENICIO!!!
Thor (2011): For all the crazy, amazing shit the MCU has done in the years since, I don't think anything will ever affect me quite the way seeing Asgard in all her splendor in a theatre for the first time did. That was one of the first big game changers when it came to what sort of comic book shit you could get away with putting on a screen.
GoldenEye (1995): We enter the Brosnan years with a stone cold classic, and not just because of the game.
For Me and My Gal (1942): "Please, talented famous rich lady, don't steal my man." "You got it, also he's a giant asshole and you deserve better and I'mma prove it to you right now." I LOVED THIS!!!! At least up until the last half-hour, when it swerved abruptly into blistering pro-war propaganda.
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997): These middle two Brosnan movies are ALSO ones that have improved for me with age? Will we ever have as kick-ass a Bond girl as Michelle Yeoh? We will not.
Jumanji: The Next Level (2019): The movie version of an expansion pack: introduces just enough new mechanics to make the exact same game fun for another go-round. Very nicely done! Also, Kevin Hart's Danny Glover impression is exactly as scarily great as the Rock's Danny Devito impression is hilariously terrible. If you liked the last one, you'll like this. I liked the last one a lot.
The World is Not Enough (1999): This one's got the only true female big bad to date, and that's so cool to me? If it weren't for Denise Richards dragging the whole thing down by just being an absolutely terrible actress, it'd be pretty great. There have been lots of terrible Bond girls, but it wasn't because the ACTRESS sucked, and that apparently makes all the difference. Also, has any actor in the history of anything had as perfect an exit from a franchise as Desmond Llewellyn got in this movie? It blows my mind that they had no way of knowing it would be his last one, it's just SO perfect, I cry every time.
Die Another Day (2002): UGH.
Casino Royale (2006): Oh christ, I'm running out of time, this is SO MANY MOVIES. Anyway, it's Casino Royale, what do you want from me, it's fucking phenomenal, just an absolutely brilliant way of relaunching a long-running franchise in crisis after the last terrible movie. Craig somehow overcame all of my 'but he's SO UGLY' doubts to become my favourite Bond of all time over the course of three movies, yadda yadda yadda, IT'S GREAT.
Easter Parade (1948): This wound up being, along with For Me and My Gal, another one of those weirdly telling Fred Astaire/Gene Kelly comparison double features. They both romance Judy Garland: Gene Kelly is a pushy asshole from the get-go, while Fred Astaire is nothing but professional towards his much-younger partner until SHE pushes the issue. THEY EVEN GET THE SAME LINE UPON THEIR FIRST KISS ("Why didn't you tell me I was in love with you?"), HOW DO I KEEP DOING THIS??? Anyway, I didn't actually know what an Easter parade was going into this, imagine my confusion when I realized the fancy rich people walking around weren't going TO the parade, they WERE the parade. This movie was delightful. ANN FUCKING MILLER, GOD. AUNT COCO HERSELF.
Quantum of Solace (2008): I've said it before, but this movie plays much better if you just treat it as an extended Casino Royale epilogue instead of a movie in its own right. It was disappointing at the time, but it holds up pretty well in its proper context. Pretty notable that it's the shortest-ever Bond film, while Craig's other three outings are... the three longest. It's not a movie on its own!
Cats (2019): So many people had to make so many poor decisions to wind up here, myself included.
Cats (1998): I had to. I HAD TO.
Skyfall (2012): meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow me
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That's it! Movie spoiler zone time! Can't ramble too much this week THERE'S TOO MANY.
So I'd never seen any Bruno Dumont movies before, and I know he's really well-regarded but also really divisive, so I watched FOUR of them to truly make a decision one way or the other:
Flandres (2006): TRULY, IS THERE ANY MORE THOUGHTFUL AND NUANCED DEPICTION OF THE HORRORS OF WAR THAN 'GENERIC MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY'??? I DON'T THINK SO. Lots and lots of the deeply boring lives of deeply boring people amidst all the horrible gang rape and civilian murders, so that's fun. Oh wait, one of them's crazy now. Or possibly psychic? Blech.
Ma Loute (2016): My GOD, this did not need to be two hours long. He seems to be trying really hard for Monty Python vibes here, but it's all just BRUTALLY unfunny, idk. The fat cop makes balloon noises and constantly falls down lol!!! Good thing I love my goofy satire films to contain hard swerves into brutal trans panic violence against the only remotely likable character! A couple of the more abrupt, stupider pratfalls, did, admittedly, get some chuckles out of me, though.
Camille Claudel, 1915 (2013): Okay, I didn't hate this one! I liked Binoche's performance a lot, anyway, the rest of the movie... it's deeply depressing in a very effective way, but also just kinda ultimately hollow? Also, casting the extras with actual developmentally disabled asylum residents is.... ech. I guess it's PROBABLY better than hiring dozens of people to go full r*tard? But when their only purpose seems to be hanging around and letting their mere presence show why this is such a horrible place for her to be trapped.... yeah, no, it's gross. Still, it's not so long that the central performance can't carry it.
P'tit Quinquin (2014): Basically Ma Loute but with all the really stupid shit dialed back from a 10 to, like, a 5. Except it's twice as fucking long, so I guess it's not actually LESS stupid? The two lead kid actors were REAL charming, though, which made the whole thing a LOT more bearable, at least until the lone black kid got treated horribly one too many times and shot up the place while whispering 'Allahu Akbar' repeatedly. Also, it's a three-and-a-half-hour murder mystery that doesn't bother to actually solve the mystery beyond 'idk, maybe the disabled uncle did it?' Every time someone compares this shit to Twin Peaks, an angel drops dead.
Final verdict on Dumont: I GUESS I'M NOT A FAN. He seems to believe that simply committing racist/sexist/homophobic/ableist/transphobic/just generally horrible shit to film is the same as actually having something to say about those things? My dude, it ain't.
The Spy Who Loved Me (1977): This is a movie that rises in my estimation every Decembond, I have to admit. I always found it kinda boring when I was younger, but idk, it does so many things really nicely, especially coming on the heels of the abysmal Hamilton movies. We go straight from useless bimbo Bond girls with zero agency to Agent XXX's boyfriend getting totally fridged in the opening to motivate HER. Wild!!!
Raw Deal (1948): Three's Company, but make it noir? A tasty little slice of crime drama. Super cool to have one of the women giving the ongoing dramatic voiceover for once.
T-Men (1947): I would love to see this recut without the weird docu-drama framing. There's a ton of really cool noir shit in this movie and I really dug it, but rooting for the leads made me feel like a total narc.
Moonraker (1979): The point where the goofy!Bond aesthetic really fucking collapsed in on itself. A PIGEON DOES A DOUBLE TAKE FFS.
Cameraman: The Life and Work of Jack Cardiff (2010): Pretty standard talking head documentary, but with a LOT of really great stories, and it left me with the overwhelming urge to watch ALL of this guy's movies. Just a real nice retrospective of a career that spanned pretty much the entirety of film history, which is crazy.
The Girl on a Motorcycle (1968): Feels like it's being weird for weird's sake in a lot of places, but GOSH is it pretty look at. Both the movie itself and just... Alain Delon in general. >_>
For Your Eyes Only (1981): Probably the most unmemorable Bond movie? I don't dislike it by any stretch, the whole opening sequence (silly as it is, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BLOFELD ACCENT) is a much more satisfying way to obliquely tie up the OHMSS loose ends than Diamonds Are Forever's weird attempt. The bit where Bond and Melina get dragged through the coral is also one of my favourite villain deathtraps. But then you've also got the super gross plot with the teenage skater who desperately wants to fuck fifty-something Roger Moore while calling him Uncle James, uuuuuuuuugh.
Pandora and the Flying Dutchman (1951): "Ooh, I'm so inscrutable and sloe-eyed." "I'm a sad ghost with bad teeth. Also, dating me will kill us both." "Oh hey, is this the wife you brutally murdered who looked just like me? I'm so into ALL OF THIS for some reason." A very gorgeous movie in spite of the 'wtf' plot. I thought the Flying Dutchman was the name of the boat???
Fanny (1961): "Oh wow, a Leslie Caron movie where she actually has an age-appropriate love interest??" Aaaaaand then she ends up marrying 70-year-old Maurice Chevalier instead FOR FUCK'S SAKE, EVERY DAMN TIME. Nevertheless, this was actually a really nice, feel-good time, a tragic romance where there aren't actually any villains and everything somehow winds up working out nicely for everyone involved? Panisse's genuine excitement at finding out the teenage girl he's gonna marry is pregnant should NOT be as sweet as it comes across! I wish this was a musical.
Octopussy (1983): I can't stop laughing at this.
Val Lewton: The Man in the Shadows (2007): Pretty dry little Scorsese-narrated documentary, but I had just finished the Secret History of Hollywood thirty-hour podcast about him, so this was a nice way to put some faces to all of those names.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956): THEY'RE HERE ALREADY! YOU'RE NEXT!!!
The Ghost Ship (1943): So I couldn't watch a Val Lewton documentary and then NOT watch a Val Lewton movie, could I? This had wooden acting, super cheap production values, a totally misleading title, and yet... it completely worked for me? A deliciously tense little hour and change. CONSIDER MY SPINE SUITABLY CHILLED. Also the whole thing kinda felt like a metaphor for politics at the moment. Extra spoopy.
A View to a Kill (1985): Man, this one tops a lot of 'Worst Bond Films' lists, but idgaf, I genuinely love it, it's probably my favourite of the Moore films even if he's a bajillion years old at this point. MAYDAY ALONE, MAN.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1988): This was an EXTREMELY horny three hours that never quite managed to convince me that its characters were as interesting as the movie thought they were. Not sure how something so long and slow still managed to feel like it was missing huge chunks of important relationship-building stuff. Loved that baby pig, though.
The Living Daylights (1987): Heeeeeeere's Dalton! He's another one I appreciate a little bit more every time I watch his Bond outings. Broody and tough, yet charming when he wants to be. CELLO TOBOGGAN.
That's Entertainment! (1974): The documentary equivalent of eating an entire box of chocolates in one sitting, this is just two hours of clips of old MGM musicals with some of the stars of that era providing commentary. It's MAGICAL, just don't expect anything more than shiny happy unexamined surface nostalgia. When Mickey Rooney wonders aloud how he and Judy Garland had the energy to make all those films when they were kids... REALLY, MICKEY? YOU'RE NOT SURE HOW YOU GUYS DID IT? IT WASN'T MAYBE ALL THE DRUGS????
It's Always Fair Weather (1955): I want to be Cyd Charisse's character when I grow up. Gene Kelly playing his usual douchebag, but she's got enough agency when dealing with him that it's not actually all that gross, and I can just get swept along in the great dancing and surprisingly compelling story. Fun to see Michael Kidd in front of the camera for once.
Broadway Melody of 1940 (1940): FRED ASTAIRE JUST MAKES ME SO DAMN HAPPY, Y'ALL. It's a little frustrating how he and Powell don't actually get to dance together for the first two thirds of it, but that also makes it SO SATISFYING when they finally do. God, this movie is just an instant good mood.
Lili (1953): As I've mentioned before, Leslie Caron's whole 'naive innocent teenager that all these adult men want to fuck' schtick is super gross, but once Ferrer steps forward as the actual love interest (instead of the fuckboi magician), it gets pretty charming anyway. FUCKING PUPPETS, MAN.
License to Kill (1989): And Timothy Dalton exits Decembond as quickly as he arrived. BABY BENICIO!!!
Thor (2011): For all the crazy, amazing shit the MCU has done in the years since, I don't think anything will ever affect me quite the way seeing Asgard in all her splendor in a theatre for the first time did. That was one of the first big game changers when it came to what sort of comic book shit you could get away with putting on a screen.
GoldenEye (1995): We enter the Brosnan years with a stone cold classic, and not just because of the game.
For Me and My Gal (1942): "Please, talented famous rich lady, don't steal my man." "You got it, also he's a giant asshole and you deserve better and I'mma prove it to you right now." I LOVED THIS!!!! At least up until the last half-hour, when it swerved abruptly into blistering pro-war propaganda.
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997): These middle two Brosnan movies are ALSO ones that have improved for me with age? Will we ever have as kick-ass a Bond girl as Michelle Yeoh? We will not.
Jumanji: The Next Level (2019): The movie version of an expansion pack: introduces just enough new mechanics to make the exact same game fun for another go-round. Very nicely done! Also, Kevin Hart's Danny Glover impression is exactly as scarily great as the Rock's Danny Devito impression is hilariously terrible. If you liked the last one, you'll like this. I liked the last one a lot.
The World is Not Enough (1999): This one's got the only true female big bad to date, and that's so cool to me? If it weren't for Denise Richards dragging the whole thing down by just being an absolutely terrible actress, it'd be pretty great. There have been lots of terrible Bond girls, but it wasn't because the ACTRESS sucked, and that apparently makes all the difference. Also, has any actor in the history of anything had as perfect an exit from a franchise as Desmond Llewellyn got in this movie? It blows my mind that they had no way of knowing it would be his last one, it's just SO perfect, I cry every time.
Die Another Day (2002): UGH.
Casino Royale (2006): Oh christ, I'm running out of time, this is SO MANY MOVIES. Anyway, it's Casino Royale, what do you want from me, it's fucking phenomenal, just an absolutely brilliant way of relaunching a long-running franchise in crisis after the last terrible movie. Craig somehow overcame all of my 'but he's SO UGLY' doubts to become my favourite Bond of all time over the course of three movies, yadda yadda yadda, IT'S GREAT.
Easter Parade (1948): This wound up being, along with For Me and My Gal, another one of those weirdly telling Fred Astaire/Gene Kelly comparison double features. They both romance Judy Garland: Gene Kelly is a pushy asshole from the get-go, while Fred Astaire is nothing but professional towards his much-younger partner until SHE pushes the issue. THEY EVEN GET THE SAME LINE UPON THEIR FIRST KISS ("Why didn't you tell me I was in love with you?"), HOW DO I KEEP DOING THIS??? Anyway, I didn't actually know what an Easter parade was going into this, imagine my confusion when I realized the fancy rich people walking around weren't going TO the parade, they WERE the parade. This movie was delightful. ANN FUCKING MILLER, GOD. AUNT COCO HERSELF.
Quantum of Solace (2008): I've said it before, but this movie plays much better if you just treat it as an extended Casino Royale epilogue instead of a movie in its own right. It was disappointing at the time, but it holds up pretty well in its proper context. Pretty notable that it's the shortest-ever Bond film, while Craig's other three outings are... the three longest. It's not a movie on its own!
Cats (2019): So many people had to make so many poor decisions to wind up here, myself included.
Cats (1998): I had to. I HAD TO.
Skyfall (2012): meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow me
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