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Entry tags:
re: a bunch of stuff
Mom's got breast cancer, it's bad, and that's about all we'll know for sure until the surgery consult next Wednesday.
I dunno, mostly I'm just trying not to think about it! Not doing great, but trying! I convinced her to stay home from work yesterday, and we mostly just hung out and watched tv and went out for supper and to go the movies, but we're both back to the grind today, so it's just a matter of riding out the next seven days since there is truly nothing we can do.
Staunchly not catastrophizing, because I literally cannot, but also it's hard when the doctor at the clinic was dropping words like terminal and palliative, but like, I'm pretty sure he was just trying to prepare us for the absolute worst-case scenario because he didn't actually have any more information than the one-line 'yup, it's cancer' biopsy result he was emailed from the lab, so. They biopsied an inflamed lymph node, as well, and the doctor didn't know about it, so does its lack of inclusion in the email mean that one ISN'T cancer and so it hasn't spread yet? We'll see what the situation is come Wednesday, I guess! Ha ha, this is gonna be a really long week!
We caught it SO fast, is the thing, like she was on it when the lump first formed all itty-bitty last month, but it has grown, like, horror-movie fast? Zero to golf ball in a matter of weeks, and we have NO family history of breast cancer, and she's SO young to even get it in the first place, so this whole thing is just so ????? But all we can do right now is wait and hope that it'll be easily treatable, so I'm sitting at work, making my peanuts and generally just pretending everything is fine. Hopefully nobody notices how much I'm stress eating! I wish that I didn't notice! But I've been ending pretty much every day feeling like utter garbage because I'm eating long past the point where I'm full day in and day out, and I'm hoping the sudden weight gain is just my standard period bloat, but the sheer logistics of my behaviour of late do not really support that conclusion?? I gotta rein it in this week, I won't make it through a work seven followed immediately by a trip to Edmonton while feeling so miserable when I go to bed every night.
So, yeah. That's that. Journal prompt catchup:
4. How likely are you to swear at other drivers?
The use of 'other' there implies that I myself am a driver often enough for this to be a regular concern. I am not, and it is not.
5. What food(s) have you eaten a lot of recently?
All of them.
6. Have you ever been hypnotized?
Not successfully.
7. Have you ever been on a gondola lift?
You know, I'm positive that the answer is yes, multiple times, but I'm completely unable to recall the actual circumstances. I'm distracted!!!
8. Do you know anyone who’s been on TV?
I mean, we've all been on shitty local-access TV, or had a family member on the news or whatever, right?
9. Did you ever have any unreasonable teachers?
I don't know if 'unreasonable' is the right word so much as 'dumb as a box of rocks', but the traits often go together, so sure.
10. Do you have any lockets with pictures inside?
........no. I think I might have once? It was very tiny.
The other cashier moved stuff around in the junk cabinet and now my work sweater smells funny??? Only blogging about frivolous shit that makes me happy for the rest of the week GO.
I dunno, mostly I'm just trying not to think about it! Not doing great, but trying! I convinced her to stay home from work yesterday, and we mostly just hung out and watched tv and went out for supper and to go the movies, but we're both back to the grind today, so it's just a matter of riding out the next seven days since there is truly nothing we can do.
Staunchly not catastrophizing, because I literally cannot, but also it's hard when the doctor at the clinic was dropping words like terminal and palliative, but like, I'm pretty sure he was just trying to prepare us for the absolute worst-case scenario because he didn't actually have any more information than the one-line 'yup, it's cancer' biopsy result he was emailed from the lab, so. They biopsied an inflamed lymph node, as well, and the doctor didn't know about it, so does its lack of inclusion in the email mean that one ISN'T cancer and so it hasn't spread yet? We'll see what the situation is come Wednesday, I guess! Ha ha, this is gonna be a really long week!
We caught it SO fast, is the thing, like she was on it when the lump first formed all itty-bitty last month, but it has grown, like, horror-movie fast? Zero to golf ball in a matter of weeks, and we have NO family history of breast cancer, and she's SO young to even get it in the first place, so this whole thing is just so ????? But all we can do right now is wait and hope that it'll be easily treatable, so I'm sitting at work, making my peanuts and generally just pretending everything is fine. Hopefully nobody notices how much I'm stress eating! I wish that I didn't notice! But I've been ending pretty much every day feeling like utter garbage because I'm eating long past the point where I'm full day in and day out, and I'm hoping the sudden weight gain is just my standard period bloat, but the sheer logistics of my behaviour of late do not really support that conclusion?? I gotta rein it in this week, I won't make it through a work seven followed immediately by a trip to Edmonton while feeling so miserable when I go to bed every night.
So, yeah. That's that. Journal prompt catchup:
4. How likely are you to swear at other drivers?
The use of 'other' there implies that I myself am a driver often enough for this to be a regular concern. I am not, and it is not.
5. What food(s) have you eaten a lot of recently?
All of them.
6. Have you ever been hypnotized?
Not successfully.
7. Have you ever been on a gondola lift?
You know, I'm positive that the answer is yes, multiple times, but I'm completely unable to recall the actual circumstances. I'm distracted!!!
8. Do you know anyone who’s been on TV?
I mean, we've all been on shitty local-access TV, or had a family member on the news or whatever, right?
9. Did you ever have any unreasonable teachers?
I don't know if 'unreasonable' is the right word so much as 'dumb as a box of rocks', but the traits often go together, so sure.
10. Do you have any lockets with pictures inside?
........no. I think I might have once? It was very tiny.
The other cashier moved stuff around in the junk cabinet and now my work sweater smells funny??? Only blogging about frivolous shit that makes me happy for the rest of the week GO.
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Which is not to make this about myself, obviously, just a roundabout way of saying that your feelings here matter, too, and hopefully you can find a chance to let yourself feel them. And I'm always around for whatever, and I'll be hoping for the best for her, putting good vibes out and whatever. <3
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<3