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Dynamite (12.01.2021)
Did not sleep due to a combination of factors (whiny dog nobody else takes care of, commitment to watching all of Dynamite despite the FITE feed getting fucked up for several minutes during the main event, my period pouncing upon me out of nowhere (and by out of nowhere I mean my phone warned me it was about to start and I didn't believe it)), but it's still early enough in the work week that I'm feeling alright, at least aside from the parts where I still haven't seen the new episode of Hawkeye and I'm retaining every last drop of water that enters my body, blurg. I got the good painkillers, I am formulating vague plans to order something extremely cheesy for lunch (this is my only requirement), I actually managed a Darrow toplevel, I'm excited for Decembond since I skipped it last year (because the plague meant I got to see a bunch of classic Bonds in the theater in November and the itch was scratched), it's good! I'm good. Tired, but good.
My hand sanitizer smells like chocolate. It's tremendous.
Bryan Danielson vs. Alan "5" Angels: Hangman on commentary!! Cowboy commentary is best commentary. Anyway, it was real sweet how supportive the crowd was of 5, they were fully in his corner all the way to the inevitable head stomping. The venue was where he had his high school graduation (like, five years ago? I always forget how super young he is, he's so good)! John Silver confirmed as next week's Dark Order hometown sacrifice to appease the dragon, and I really loved his super eager "I CAN TOUCH YOU!!!" phrasing as he ran out to keep Hangman from breaking the no contact rule and getting himself suspended. Also loved how Hangman went straight over to check on 5 once Bryan cleared out, aww. Valemtimes.
There was one of Miro's delightful 'I will kill God' promos, except now he seems to be trapped in Janet's void from The Good Place? WHAT IS HAPPENING.
CM Punk vs. Lee Moriarty: I wish I could have enjoyed this more (love Lee, enjoying this story where Punk is wrestling like a dude who left for seven years and can struggle against even midcard opponents), but MJF on commentary kinda ruined it for me? All his 'PG Punk' insults have already grown incredibly stale for me and he spends the whole match burying both men in the most tedious ways possible, ugh, this does not bode well for this feud. Cool Hanukkah suit, though. The post-match exchange wasn't any better, talking about wanting to fuck Britt in a feud she has nothing to do with and threatening to kill his dog, like? Come on. It's weak shit when I know he can do better, but he seems to be buying into the fandom hype that loud = good.
The parallels between cutting from Wardlow protecting MJF to the ongoing tensions between Britt and Jamie, though? Now THAT is good. Hopefully she won't be eating pins on Britt's behalf for TOO much longer, she's so good, can't wait to see her and Riho mix it up Stardom style.
Adam Cole takes five fucking minutes doing his over-the-top entrance just to go on COMMENTARY, and then Orange comes out and they fuck around with the Bucks for a while and then HE DOESN'T EVEN END UP ON COMMENTARY LOLOLOLOL pretty sure this whole thing was just a middle finger to the stupid 'Adam Cole is being wasted in AEW' discourse that popped up this week and I loved it. Chuck and Yuta running in way too late for any sort of effective rescue, in true CHAOS fashion.
Tony Nese promo, this dude is the biggest butterface I've seen in wrestling.
The Random Wardlow Squash Match: Not even the guy who runs the AEW enhancement talent twitter account can figure out who this AC Adams guy is, apparently? Damn. Anyway, I'm hyped as hell to see what will be in store for my large-breasted wife Wardlow in the Diamond Dozen; I say he either turns on MJF next week OR they both make it to the end and fight each other at Winter is Coming. I'm kinda hoping for the former, since then maybe MJF/Punk will end sooner, but as long as he gets that goddamn ring in the end, I will happily take either. The only question is whose side will his accountabilibuddy take???
Fenix is hurt again, so no 2/3 falls against FTR this week, sad. :( Get better quickly, precious cat of a man. Eyepatch PAC will have your back in the meantime lolololol DID MALAKAI INFECT HIM WITH HIS EVIL WHEN HE SPAT BLACK MIST IN HIS FACE OR WHAT???
Gunn Club vs. Sting & Darby Allin: I still think it would have been hilarious if the Gunn Club had won, RIP Colten's perfect career record. Having him take his first ever pin to STING of all people on national television is a fairly worthy conclusion to his ridiculous little accidental arc, so I ain't mad, but I've been sick of Sting and Darby winning everything since Grand Slam. It's boring now! Do something else! (Sidebar: Surely the fact that Austin and Colten have an ASS BOYS t-shirt out officially means that Danhausen is signed to AEW and just waiting for his broken leg to heal before showing up? He is playing one hell of an online game if he's not STING SHOULD LOSE TO DANHAUSEN)
2point0 and their son Daniel Garcia jump Jericho and beat him so hard he's off of Rampage commentary this week, cementing them as the biggest babyfaces in the company. Thank you, boys. Thank you so much for your sacrifice.
Kind of an awkward Lio Rush/Team Taz interaction that I struggled to make sense of? Still, love seeing Dante trying to act all tough with the mean meaty ladz, WHAT A DIFFERENCE JUST TREATING SOMEBODY LIKE HE HAS SOME GODDAMN AGENCY HAS.
Kris Statlander vs. Ruby Soho (TBS Championship Quarterfinals): MATCH OF THE NIGHT, YOOOOOOOO. The fact that it's taking so fucking long really accentuates how little TV time the women get, but man am I glad they wised up and put the entire tournament on the main shows this time around, we have gotten some real bangers out of it that do not deserve to be relegated to YouTube. I hope these two get a rematch once Ruby wins the whole thing (please god, let it not be Jade), so good! Glad they sold me on the finish with No Future getting blocked, it's always struck me as a weak-looking finisher, that poisonrana frankensteiner thing looked MUCH deadlier, and Kris is a big strongladyalien! It should take a lot to put her down! And then a feel-good 'hug it out' ending for good measure, awww.
Andrade El Ìdolo vs. Cody Rhodes in an Atlanta Street Fight: Well, it's a Cody match, which means it's a messy, overbooked cavalcade of one 'why is this even happening?' moment after another, but also LOLOLOLOL HIS WIFE SET HIM ON FIRE THAT FUCKING RULED. Brandi wants horny anime villain Cody back more than ANYONE ELSE, apparently, and she will DRAG him there, kicking and screaming (AND BURNING) if she has to. The Atlanta crowd had me in the first half, not gonna lie, they were pretty hyped for their hometown boy for a while, but they got on board the 'fuck Cody, all my homies hate Cody' train before too much time had passed, so I forgive them for briefly encouraging his shit. Anyway, the goddamn FITE feed apparently cut out for several minutes just as this thing was really ramping up, and since I'd already clocked the gross flaky shit all over Cody's back as flame retardant stuff, I was not about to miss a goddamn second of this lunacy, so I had to fucking STOP EVERYTHING and go get a fresh goddamn download of the TNT broadcast, which was DEEPLY ANNOYING, but ultimately worth it. There was a LOT of shirtless Jose lost in those few minutes.
Should've used the knife, Andrade. You brought a knife! You should've used it!
Upon further reflection, I'm thinking something cheesy... and doughy. Yes good.
My hand sanitizer smells like chocolate. It's tremendous.
Bryan Danielson vs. Alan "5" Angels: Hangman on commentary!! Cowboy commentary is best commentary. Anyway, it was real sweet how supportive the crowd was of 5, they were fully in his corner all the way to the inevitable head stomping. The venue was where he had his high school graduation (like, five years ago? I always forget how super young he is, he's so good)! John Silver confirmed as next week's Dark Order hometown sacrifice to appease the dragon, and I really loved his super eager "I CAN TOUCH YOU!!!" phrasing as he ran out to keep Hangman from breaking the no contact rule and getting himself suspended. Also loved how Hangman went straight over to check on 5 once Bryan cleared out, aww. Valemtimes.
There was one of Miro's delightful 'I will kill God' promos, except now he seems to be trapped in Janet's void from The Good Place? WHAT IS HAPPENING.
CM Punk vs. Lee Moriarty: I wish I could have enjoyed this more (love Lee, enjoying this story where Punk is wrestling like a dude who left for seven years and can struggle against even midcard opponents), but MJF on commentary kinda ruined it for me? All his 'PG Punk' insults have already grown incredibly stale for me and he spends the whole match burying both men in the most tedious ways possible, ugh, this does not bode well for this feud. Cool Hanukkah suit, though. The post-match exchange wasn't any better, talking about wanting to fuck Britt in a feud she has nothing to do with and threatening to kill his dog, like? Come on. It's weak shit when I know he can do better, but he seems to be buying into the fandom hype that loud = good.
The parallels between cutting from Wardlow protecting MJF to the ongoing tensions between Britt and Jamie, though? Now THAT is good. Hopefully she won't be eating pins on Britt's behalf for TOO much longer, she's so good, can't wait to see her and Riho mix it up Stardom style.
Adam Cole takes five fucking minutes doing his over-the-top entrance just to go on COMMENTARY, and then Orange comes out and they fuck around with the Bucks for a while and then HE DOESN'T EVEN END UP ON COMMENTARY LOLOLOLOL pretty sure this whole thing was just a middle finger to the stupid 'Adam Cole is being wasted in AEW' discourse that popped up this week and I loved it. Chuck and Yuta running in way too late for any sort of effective rescue, in true CHAOS fashion.
Tony Nese promo, this dude is the biggest butterface I've seen in wrestling.
The Random Wardlow Squash Match: Not even the guy who runs the AEW enhancement talent twitter account can figure out who this AC Adams guy is, apparently? Damn. Anyway, I'm hyped as hell to see what will be in store for my large-breasted wife Wardlow in the Diamond Dozen; I say he either turns on MJF next week OR they both make it to the end and fight each other at Winter is Coming. I'm kinda hoping for the former, since then maybe MJF/Punk will end sooner, but as long as he gets that goddamn ring in the end, I will happily take either. The only question is whose side will his accountabilibuddy take???
Fenix is hurt again, so no 2/3 falls against FTR this week, sad. :( Get better quickly, precious cat of a man. Eyepatch PAC will have your back in the meantime lolololol DID MALAKAI INFECT HIM WITH HIS EVIL WHEN HE SPAT BLACK MIST IN HIS FACE OR WHAT???
Gunn Club vs. Sting & Darby Allin: I still think it would have been hilarious if the Gunn Club had won, RIP Colten's perfect career record. Having him take his first ever pin to STING of all people on national television is a fairly worthy conclusion to his ridiculous little accidental arc, so I ain't mad, but I've been sick of Sting and Darby winning everything since Grand Slam. It's boring now! Do something else! (Sidebar: Surely the fact that Austin and Colten have an ASS BOYS t-shirt out officially means that Danhausen is signed to AEW and just waiting for his broken leg to heal before showing up? He is playing one hell of an online game if he's not STING SHOULD LOSE TO DANHAUSEN)
2point0 and their son Daniel Garcia jump Jericho and beat him so hard he's off of Rampage commentary this week, cementing them as the biggest babyfaces in the company. Thank you, boys. Thank you so much for your sacrifice.
Kind of an awkward Lio Rush/Team Taz interaction that I struggled to make sense of? Still, love seeing Dante trying to act all tough with the mean meaty ladz, WHAT A DIFFERENCE JUST TREATING SOMEBODY LIKE HE HAS SOME GODDAMN AGENCY HAS.
Kris Statlander vs. Ruby Soho (TBS Championship Quarterfinals): MATCH OF THE NIGHT, YOOOOOOOO. The fact that it's taking so fucking long really accentuates how little TV time the women get, but man am I glad they wised up and put the entire tournament on the main shows this time around, we have gotten some real bangers out of it that do not deserve to be relegated to YouTube. I hope these two get a rematch once Ruby wins the whole thing (please god, let it not be Jade), so good! Glad they sold me on the finish with No Future getting blocked, it's always struck me as a weak-looking finisher, that poisonrana frankensteiner thing looked MUCH deadlier, and Kris is a big strong
Andrade El Ìdolo vs. Cody Rhodes in an Atlanta Street Fight: Well, it's a Cody match, which means it's a messy, overbooked cavalcade of one 'why is this even happening?' moment after another, but also LOLOLOLOL HIS WIFE SET HIM ON FIRE THAT FUCKING RULED. Brandi wants horny anime villain Cody back more than ANYONE ELSE, apparently, and she will DRAG him there, kicking and screaming (AND BURNING) if she has to. The Atlanta crowd had me in the first half, not gonna lie, they were pretty hyped for their hometown boy for a while, but they got on board the 'fuck Cody, all my homies hate Cody' train before too much time had passed, so I forgive them for briefly encouraging his shit. Anyway, the goddamn FITE feed apparently cut out for several minutes just as this thing was really ramping up, and since I'd already clocked the gross flaky shit all over Cody's back as flame retardant stuff, I was not about to miss a goddamn second of this lunacy, so I had to fucking STOP EVERYTHING and go get a fresh goddamn download of the TNT broadcast, which was DEEPLY ANNOYING, but ultimately worth it. There was a LOT of shirtless Jose lost in those few minutes.
Should've used the knife, Andrade. You brought a knife! You should've used it!
Upon further reflection, I'm thinking something cheesy... and doughy. Yes good.