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Dynamite (08.25.21)
Having a bad relationship with food for the last few weeks. Bleh. Days continue to pass... decently quickly? I think my workload may have unexpectedly lightened to a massive degree, I really need to see if I have time/inclination to fuck around at work properly again (read: TAGS). I am still very tired all of the time, though.
wrestle wrestle cut cut
Orange Cassidy vs. Matt Hardy: What a fun, funny opener! It's a bit of a bummer that Hardy seems destined to ultimately lose all of these long midcard feuds he keeps getting into, but all the DELETE refrains in this fight combined with how badly he got split open here (seriously, jesus Matt, how do you still have blood left THIS KEEPS HAPPENING) makes me think we'll be seeing Broken Matt return soon, which should be a lot of fun. Big Money Matt held things down until he could be ridiculous in front of crowds again, let's fucking go.
As bored as I am of everyone in the Nightmare Family (I like them, but they're all just kinda... there), I'm enjoying the idea of Malakai just murdering them all one by one, but it might just be because he's so much fun to watch, like in his promo here. Who he's targeting probably doesn't matter all that much!
And then Jericho came out and challenged MJF afuckingGAIN OH MY GOD FUCK OFF ALREADY I WAS SICK OF THIS SHIT MONTHS AGO AND MJF JUST BEAT HIM CLEAN WHY IS THIS SHIT STILL NOT OVER LET ME LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE why why WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING THE WOMEN CAN'T GET ON THE FUCKING CARD FOR ALL OUT BUT WE GOTTA REHASH THIS SHIT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN FOREVER AND EVEN IF MJF WINS FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME AND JERICHO RETIRES I'LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM SCREECHING ON RAMPAGE COMMENTARY EVERY GODDAMN WEEK IT'S LOSE/LOSE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
Sigh. I'm okay. It's okay. Look at the Varsity Blonds! Little cuties! Moving on!
Varsity Blonds vs. Lucha Brothers (AEW World Tag Team Championship Eliminator Tournament Semifinal): Enjoyable, but mostly as an appetizer for Lucha Bros vs. Jurassic Express which I was already assuming would slap even before Rampage spoilers trickled out and alluded to it being amazing.
Red Velvet vs. Jamie Hayter: Pretty much the only match on the card this week that I was REALLY looking forward to, I'm so glad they were given the time to make it good (and not buried pre-main event for once! more of this please!). I am... so in love with big beefy Jamie, even if I'm having trouble reconciling her with the woman I've seen previously. I do hope this doesn't hurt Red Velvet though, she has been racking up a LOT of high-profile losses this year (though she was a jobber before that, so she's obviously still upgraded). Britt, Serena, Jade (twice!), now Jamie, she really needs a big win at some point to prove she's still a threat. Kris looked real good protecting her smol friend and holding that belt post-match, though; while I doubt she'll beat Britt at All Out, I really need her to be champion one day.
AND THEN DARK ORDER BROKE MY DAMN HEART. Like yeah, Uno's comment was WAY out of fucking line, Alex did not deserve that and it was such a low blow, but also I don't blame him for being frustrated with how the others have been acting about the Hangman decision (they had a TITLE MATCH and nobody came out for them ffs), and for Five to throw them being a family in his face for it when he's been part of the gang that's been so petulant is extra oof. I'm guessing Stu's absence was just due to scheduling/travel issues, but I also can't imagine he'd have taken Uno's treatment here well, so maybe it was for the best. I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT IF THESE BOYS SPLIT UP, but also Hangman's prophecy of riding to the ring in his rose gear with all of them (and Anna!) there for him has yet to come to pass, so I have to believe they'll work it out in the end. I HAVE TO.
CM Punk in-ring promo, and I might be sick of this guy already if he weren't clearly having the time of his life? Just seeing him wandering around and hugging fans may not be SUPER compelling television without the prior attachment to the guy that so many have, but it is extremely wholesome content, and I support it. Do hope he can still go in a fight!
Delightfully creepy Miro promo wherein he continues to call out Eddie and what will happen when God's Favourite Champion goes up against someone in a lifelong blood feud with God in a VERY Catholic way? I DON'T KNOW, BUT I WANT TO FIND OUT. It's really gonna break my heart when Eddie loses, though.
Eddie Kingston, Jon Moxley & Darby Allin vs. The Wingmen: Just a real good time, this. No big stakes, just three good good violence boys doing gratuitous violences on some delightful goofy motherfuckers. The post-match angle with Garcia and Allin was a nice surprise, should lead to a good match between those two.
The most interesting part of the Tay/Bunny recruitment attempt/scrap (a lazy way to set up a Rampage match, but at least they're bothering to set up women's matches in advance again) was Bunny calling out Tay for still hanging out with Dark Order, which we haven't really seen in a while, and now I'm getting myself all hyped up for Anna to pull a surprise return in the Casino Battle Royale; I know everyone's thinking Ruby will be the Joker, but surely they wouldn't put a big debut like that in the buy-in? And the timing's getting right if still a LITTLE on the early side, we're coming up on six months since Anna's surgery. Why bring up Tay's Dark Order ties if her cultist bestie wasn't coming back? And maybe having her back as a stabilizing influence is what Dark Order needs to heal their rifts, since Colt can only do so much on his own. COME COLLECT YOUR BOYS, ANNA, THEY NEED YOU.
HEY AEW PLEASE STOP SHOWING CASH'S INJURY. PLEASE. WE'VE HAD THIS DISCUSSION BEFORE. PLEASE IT'S SO GROSS PLEASE. Don't know how I feel about the rematch with PnP being on a regular ol' Dynamite instead of something bigger; I guess because it already was supposed to be put to bed at Fight for the Fallen? Still hyped, those boys deserve to put on a real banger not hampered by a total freak accident.
Fantastic segment where Christian calls out Don and makes a lot of the subtext about how he's been manipulating Kenny into straight-up text; threading Christian's history on the Winnipeg independent scene from a quarter of a century ago into his revisionist history and gaslighting was a BIG mistake, though Kenny is assuredly much too far gone for anything but a total shattering of Don's illusions to make a difference at this point.
AND THEN MOX CALLED OUT SATOSHI KOJIMA, HE IS GONNA MURDER THE NICE COZY BREAD-LOVING LARIAT MAN. Like, it was a legit hilarious promo, he is gonna murder this delightful old man in gruesome and explicit fashion JUST BECAUSE. He's just real angry these days! I wonder if he isn't getting enough sleep because of the new baby. Also I think this fight was originally supposed to be with Tanahashi, but NJPW probably wanted him to just snatch the US belt from Lance and then run back to Japan with it since Jay's running around the States with the NEVER Openweight belt and Shingo's got COVID so they're hard-up for champions? So Mox ended up with an open challenge that only Kojima would fill and I'm looking forward to it but also it would work on the buy-in so much better than the women's battle royale UGH SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTING BUT NOT SURPRISING. Whatever, give me full heel Mox taking Eddie back to the dark side with him please and thank you.
The Factory vs. Gunn Club: At first I was confused that this wasn't the main event; it would be a shitty main event, but I had accepted that and figured that Austin's return and Colten's 24-0 perfect record finally coming to an end was worthy enough in a funny, ironic kind of way, and then it's not even the main event! AND THEN COLTEN GUNN GETS THE FUCKING PIN ON QT MARSHALL AHEAD OF HIS FUCKING PPV MATCH WITH THE BIG SHOW??? LMFAOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THIS ENTIRE RIDICULOUS FEUD. I guess making it weird and hilarious is a way of making it remotely interesting?? Still deserves to be on the All Out card way less than the women's battle royale!
This Dan Lambert guy still fucking sucks and is miserable to watch and if they are seriously saddling Ethan with him for the foreseeable future, I may just have to declare the Disneyland Boyfriends dead to me because jfc this is some serious go away heat. Arn once again trying to talk his son out of fighting Malakai because everyone knows he's gonna die is much better.
Malakai Black vs. Brock Anderson: And then he died lol! Rest in peace baby Anderson, you may have looked 55, but I've been assured you were actually much younger. On the one hand, it's a bit of a bummer if Malakai's gonna be stuck in a forever feud with the boring ass Nightmare Family until Cody swoops back in to save the day, but on the other hand, it's just SO MUCH FUN to watch him kick people to death and take half an hour to dramatically enter the ring and cut insane promos while the corruption makeup keeps getting worse and creeping further across his face and I just love him, so at least it's keeping him busier than Andrade's been, just constantly bothering Death Triangle and all. I guess Lee's next on the hit list!
Brock Anderson, with all of seven professional matches under his belt, now has had more televised AEW main events than the entire women's division save three people! That's fine, right? What a weirdly paced, largely mid-level Dynamite episode to follow up on one of the biggest debuts in their history, hopefully Rampage makes up for it!
I was supposed to go see Candyman tonight, but now my brother wants to come too and he's working, so it'll have to wait until next week. Boo. >:[
wrestle wrestle cut cut
Orange Cassidy vs. Matt Hardy: What a fun, funny opener! It's a bit of a bummer that Hardy seems destined to ultimately lose all of these long midcard feuds he keeps getting into, but all the DELETE refrains in this fight combined with how badly he got split open here (seriously, jesus Matt, how do you still have blood left THIS KEEPS HAPPENING) makes me think we'll be seeing Broken Matt return soon, which should be a lot of fun. Big Money Matt held things down until he could be ridiculous in front of crowds again, let's fucking go.
As bored as I am of everyone in the Nightmare Family (I like them, but they're all just kinda... there), I'm enjoying the idea of Malakai just murdering them all one by one, but it might just be because he's so much fun to watch, like in his promo here. Who he's targeting probably doesn't matter all that much!
And then Jericho came out and challenged MJF afuckingGAIN OH MY GOD FUCK OFF ALREADY I WAS SICK OF THIS SHIT MONTHS AGO AND MJF JUST BEAT HIM CLEAN WHY IS THIS SHIT STILL NOT OVER LET ME LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE why why WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING THE WOMEN CAN'T GET ON THE FUCKING CARD FOR ALL OUT BUT WE GOTTA REHASH THIS SHIT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN FOREVER AND EVEN IF MJF WINS FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME AND JERICHO RETIRES I'LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM SCREECHING ON RAMPAGE COMMENTARY EVERY GODDAMN WEEK IT'S LOSE/LOSE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
Sigh. I'm okay. It's okay. Look at the Varsity Blonds! Little cuties! Moving on!
Varsity Blonds vs. Lucha Brothers (AEW World Tag Team Championship Eliminator Tournament Semifinal): Enjoyable, but mostly as an appetizer for Lucha Bros vs. Jurassic Express which I was already assuming would slap even before Rampage spoilers trickled out and alluded to it being amazing.
Red Velvet vs. Jamie Hayter: Pretty much the only match on the card this week that I was REALLY looking forward to, I'm so glad they were given the time to make it good (and not buried pre-main event for once! more of this please!). I am... so in love with big beefy Jamie, even if I'm having trouble reconciling her with the woman I've seen previously. I do hope this doesn't hurt Red Velvet though, she has been racking up a LOT of high-profile losses this year (though she was a jobber before that, so she's obviously still upgraded). Britt, Serena, Jade (twice!), now Jamie, she really needs a big win at some point to prove she's still a threat. Kris looked real good protecting her smol friend and holding that belt post-match, though; while I doubt she'll beat Britt at All Out, I really need her to be champion one day.
AND THEN DARK ORDER BROKE MY DAMN HEART. Like yeah, Uno's comment was WAY out of fucking line, Alex did not deserve that and it was such a low blow, but also I don't blame him for being frustrated with how the others have been acting about the Hangman decision (they had a TITLE MATCH and nobody came out for them ffs), and for Five to throw them being a family in his face for it when he's been part of the gang that's been so petulant is extra oof. I'm guessing Stu's absence was just due to scheduling/travel issues, but I also can't imagine he'd have taken Uno's treatment here well, so maybe it was for the best. I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT IF THESE BOYS SPLIT UP, but also Hangman's prophecy of riding to the ring in his rose gear with all of them (and Anna!) there for him has yet to come to pass, so I have to believe they'll work it out in the end. I HAVE TO.
CM Punk in-ring promo, and I might be sick of this guy already if he weren't clearly having the time of his life? Just seeing him wandering around and hugging fans may not be SUPER compelling television without the prior attachment to the guy that so many have, but it is extremely wholesome content, and I support it. Do hope he can still go in a fight!
Delightfully creepy Miro promo wherein he continues to call out Eddie and what will happen when God's Favourite Champion goes up against someone in a lifelong blood feud with God in a VERY Catholic way? I DON'T KNOW, BUT I WANT TO FIND OUT. It's really gonna break my heart when Eddie loses, though.
Eddie Kingston, Jon Moxley & Darby Allin vs. The Wingmen: Just a real good time, this. No big stakes, just three good good violence boys doing gratuitous violences on some delightful goofy motherfuckers. The post-match angle with Garcia and Allin was a nice surprise, should lead to a good match between those two.
The most interesting part of the Tay/Bunny recruitment attempt/scrap (a lazy way to set up a Rampage match, but at least they're bothering to set up women's matches in advance again) was Bunny calling out Tay for still hanging out with Dark Order, which we haven't really seen in a while, and now I'm getting myself all hyped up for Anna to pull a surprise return in the Casino Battle Royale; I know everyone's thinking Ruby will be the Joker, but surely they wouldn't put a big debut like that in the buy-in? And the timing's getting right if still a LITTLE on the early side, we're coming up on six months since Anna's surgery. Why bring up Tay's Dark Order ties if her cultist bestie wasn't coming back? And maybe having her back as a stabilizing influence is what Dark Order needs to heal their rifts, since Colt can only do so much on his own. COME COLLECT YOUR BOYS, ANNA, THEY NEED YOU.
HEY AEW PLEASE STOP SHOWING CASH'S INJURY. PLEASE. WE'VE HAD THIS DISCUSSION BEFORE. PLEASE IT'S SO GROSS PLEASE. Don't know how I feel about the rematch with PnP being on a regular ol' Dynamite instead of something bigger; I guess because it already was supposed to be put to bed at Fight for the Fallen? Still hyped, those boys deserve to put on a real banger not hampered by a total freak accident.
Fantastic segment where Christian calls out Don and makes a lot of the subtext about how he's been manipulating Kenny into straight-up text; threading Christian's history on the Winnipeg independent scene from a quarter of a century ago into his revisionist history and gaslighting was a BIG mistake, though Kenny is assuredly much too far gone for anything but a total shattering of Don's illusions to make a difference at this point.
AND THEN MOX CALLED OUT SATOSHI KOJIMA, HE IS GONNA MURDER THE NICE COZY BREAD-LOVING LARIAT MAN. Like, it was a legit hilarious promo, he is gonna murder this delightful old man in gruesome and explicit fashion JUST BECAUSE. He's just real angry these days! I wonder if he isn't getting enough sleep because of the new baby. Also I think this fight was originally supposed to be with Tanahashi, but NJPW probably wanted him to just snatch the US belt from Lance and then run back to Japan with it since Jay's running around the States with the NEVER Openweight belt and Shingo's got COVID so they're hard-up for champions? So Mox ended up with an open challenge that only Kojima would fill and I'm looking forward to it but also it would work on the buy-in so much better than the women's battle royale UGH SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTING BUT NOT SURPRISING. Whatever, give me full heel Mox taking Eddie back to the dark side with him please and thank you.
The Factory vs. Gunn Club: At first I was confused that this wasn't the main event; it would be a shitty main event, but I had accepted that and figured that Austin's return and Colten's 24-0 perfect record finally coming to an end was worthy enough in a funny, ironic kind of way, and then it's not even the main event! AND THEN COLTEN GUNN GETS THE FUCKING PIN ON QT MARSHALL AHEAD OF HIS FUCKING PPV MATCH WITH THE BIG SHOW??? LMFAOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THIS ENTIRE RIDICULOUS FEUD. I guess making it weird and hilarious is a way of making it remotely interesting?? Still deserves to be on the All Out card way less than the women's battle royale!
This Dan Lambert guy still fucking sucks and is miserable to watch and if they are seriously saddling Ethan with him for the foreseeable future, I may just have to declare the Disneyland Boyfriends dead to me because jfc this is some serious go away heat. Arn once again trying to talk his son out of fighting Malakai because everyone knows he's gonna die is much better.
Malakai Black vs. Brock Anderson: And then he died lol! Rest in peace baby Anderson, you may have looked 55, but I've been assured you were actually much younger. On the one hand, it's a bit of a bummer if Malakai's gonna be stuck in a forever feud with the boring ass Nightmare Family until Cody swoops back in to save the day, but on the other hand, it's just SO MUCH FUN to watch him kick people to death and take half an hour to dramatically enter the ring and cut insane promos while the corruption makeup keeps getting worse and creeping further across his face and I just love him, so at least it's keeping him busier than Andrade's been, just constantly bothering Death Triangle and all. I guess Lee's next on the hit list!
Brock Anderson, with all of seven professional matches under his belt, now has had more televised AEW main events than the entire women's division save three people! That's fine, right? What a weirdly paced, largely mid-level Dynamite episode to follow up on one of the biggest debuts in their history, hopefully Rampage makes up for it!
I was supposed to go see Candyman tonight, but now my brother wants to come too and he's working, so it'll have to wait until next week. Boo. >:[